So Coming Out Day was Monday
Which means I'm late by three days. Shoot me. I only just figured it out like, ten minutes ago anyway. So yes, world, it does take time to figure out what you are. For some people, at least. I'm sure the majority of people never have to think about this sort of thing, but I've been thinking about it a lot.
Because the entire internet is obsessed with sex. It doesn't matter what kind of sex, but it's obsessed with sex. And I've never been that way, and for most of my life I assumed it was because I was a prude or because of those Christian values I've had shoved on me all my life. I assumed that I was just a good girl in a bad world and that one day I would meet a good boy, we'd have awkward honeymoon sex together, make some babies, and that would be that. The end.
Now I'm not so sure. Maybe it's just because I've never had a boyfriend and don't know how it feels to be in a relationship, but there is no denying that I think sex is kind of disgusting and terrifying and I really don't want some guy's penis in my vagina. And I don't want some woman sticking something in it, either. And maybe some day I'll meet someone that changes that, but for now I pretty much have a negative sex drive.
That's not to say I don't want to meet someone and fall in love. I'd love to have someone special in my life who I think the world of. I want to go on adventures with someone and talk about what we want out of life and pick out paint and matching towels and cuddle while watching movies and hold hands when we go places and read books to each other and throw things at each other from across the table. And sure, I can do those things with a really good friend. But I still want the commitment that comes with a romantic relationship, I just don't want the sexual part of it.
So what does this mean, exactly? This isn't my way of saying I'm just some crazy prude who wants to have a first-grade boyfriend forever. This is my way of saying that I'm pretty sure I'm asexual. And yes, that is a sexuality that does actually exist. All it means is that I don't have a sex drive. That's it. Calling myself asexual doesn't change who I am, it doesn't mean I have no reproductive organs, and it doesn't mean I'm a lesbian. It just means that I don't want sex. At all. With anyone. It doesn't mean I can't be attracted to someone, because I can, it just means that I care about the mental and emotional part of the relationship and I couldn't care less about the sexual part.
And let me tell you, this answers so many other questions I've had about myself. Because I totally had a crush on a girl once, and it really freaked me out. But now I've realized that the only reason it freaked me out was because the idea of having sex with a girl freaked me out. (And that was before I realized that sex in general freaked me out, so don't even try to call me a homophobe.) Now that I've come to terms with the fact that relationships for me will have nothing to do with sex and everything to do with the person's brain, I've been able to accept the part of myself that might be attracted to women as well as men.
Now I have no idea if calling myself a bisexual asexual means I cancelled something out, but that's really the best way of putting it if I'm looking for a label. And hey, I'm new to all this, so don't go judging my terminology. Basically, I'm an asexual who is attracted to both women and men. It's a little weird admitting it, but it makes me happy to see it in black and white. It feels good.
Now I just have to figure out how to tell my mom... I think she's convinced I'll be married and pregnant in no more than five years. Oops.
CONTRIBUTOR: Rae "puppetdumbly"
DATE ADDED: 2010-10-21 07:21:41
ITEM TYPE: Document
CITATION: Rae "puppetdumbly", "So Coming Out Day was Monday," in HACKGENDER, Item #82, http://hackgender.org/items/show/82 (accessed December 9, 2013).
About the Work
- Rae "puppetdumbly"
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