Peeking Out of the...Closet?
Heyhey- how ya’ll doin?
My name is Lysander…or will be, when I get my name change….but then I’m infamous for always changing what i want to be called. We’ll see!
I’m 18, and starting college this fall. Majoring in theatre. So glad to finally getting the **** away from the folks. I like to read, draw and write. Sing, act, dance. I like to dress up in costumes and pretend to be someone else (or even who I wish i was) for the parties I throw with some friends who do pretty much the same thing.
I was born female, you see, but it just feels “off”, you know? So I plan on making some physical changes when i save the money. I have been thinking about it extensively, to be sure of exactly how i felt- and even though I’m attractive as a woman, can hit all the high notes etc, etc, it just feels wrong. Sorry mom and dad.
Of course they dont actually know. I wrote an extensive, angsty letter to my father to give to him right before I went in to my surgery (to remove my appendix) last january….I totally chickened out. Wow…I was 16 then, wasnt I? Anyways, while I certainly dont look forward to their possible rejection, there is something far worse that I cant bear. They think I’m lying.
Like, so often when I say something about a goal I have or an aspiration, they dont believe me. When I tell them I want to be….that I am a boy….they wont believe me. They’ll bring up all kinds of evidence- those years I did wear dresses and make-up. My boyfriends. Liking to look at the pretty women’s clothing. But, they’ll think its a phase (like they did about my childhood, hmm)…they’ll laugh! You know, I dont think it’s a good idea to say anything until I literally cant hide it anymore. Like when my voice cracks from the hormones, and there’s fluff on my face.
I have “sort of” come out to my friends. They call me by whatever male name’s hot with me at the moment, and I dress as male roles and the whole bit. I’ve told one I WANT to be male. Soon I’ll politely request male pronouns. I just hate that people see a “she” when they look at me.
It’s a bit tricky because on merit of my own appearance i pass as a teen boy (only 50% of the time, to be honest)….until I open my mouth. And I do have male lovers who are attracted to me as a female-bodied person. Sigh. And then when school starts I will have to play female characters, simply for the fact that I do not pass. I accept it, but its irritating.
How will other people deal with me- and what do i do with that?
Well….besides that, there are quite a few things that i cant be honest with around my family, and some friends even. That’s the purpose of this blog really….as I go through school, this is my way to peek out the closet without having to shove myself out just yet. Baby steps, ladies and gentlemen.
CONTRIBUTOR: Lysander "BrotherSaturday"
DATE ADDED: 2010-08-27 13:41:22
COLLECTION: Personal Reflections
ITEM TYPE: Document
CITATION: Lysander "BrotherSaturday", "Peeking Out of the...Closet?," in HACKGENDER, Item #64, http://hackgender.org/items/show/64 (accessed December 10, 2013).
About the Work
- Lysander "BrotherSaturday"
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