I am not a lesbian
No, really, I'm not.
For the past 2 and a half years, now, I've identified as a butch lesbian and have presented myself to others as such. But, this past year, I've discovered a lot about my sexual identify that has, at first, confused me- but now that I'm understanding my gender a lot better, so am I understanding my sexuality.
Me, identifying as a masculine person, and being female-- I thought that this meant I should only like other females, seeing as how me as a female liking boys would indicate that I'm feminine. Right? So, I get to college, and I meet the greatest guy ever. I knew I found him attractive, both physically and personality-wise-- but I tried denying that, because I felt that, again, it threatened my masculinity. Anyways, we become really good friends, etc. My man crush on him becomes obvious. I confess it to him. Things get weird, because I'm this butchy little lesbian with an awkward crush on a hairy straight man. I really liked him, but would've felt mad awkward BEING with him. I would've felt feminized. I was so confused by these feelings I had for him. I tried to dismiss it all and just told myself the reason I liked him so much was because I was on the rebound at the time from having just been hurt/rejected by this girl I liked, and he was there for me throughout the whole process. Only now that I've come to terms with my gender, though, do I realize it-- yes, I was legitimately attracted to this man. Very much so. Only, I was attracted to him AS a man-- not as a female. THAT'S why it was awkward. So, what does this mean? I'm a guy who likes other guys?
Well, this would certainly explain why I find gay sex so hot. When I first discovered gay porn, I thought it was the hottest thing ever. I was so confused by this, because obviously I was female. I thought I was just some kind of weird pervert because of it. Most of my sexual fantasies during my teenage years was of gay sex. Me, as a male, fucking another male. So, when I came out and defined myself as a lesbian, I was confused as to why I didn't really find lesbian sex all that hot-- unless they were really butchy/androgynous.
So basically, what I've come to learn about my sexuality is that not only am I a masculine-identified person, I am attracted to other masculine-identified people. I still find some girls attractive (if they're really butchy). Once in awhile, I find cisgendered (biologically born) men attractive as well. But for the most part, I really enjoy androgynous/genderqueer people. Something about the in-between-ness, the indistinguishable traits... I used to be turned off by trans men, because well, that means I'm attracted to men (OH NOES), but hell-- if I'm a guy, myself, I have no problem with that at all. In fact, I find that quite hot. Now, I'm not sure how I'd feel with a cisgendered man, having the parts I have and all... But, I still haven't even begun the physical transition of my body yet-- who knows, if I become comfortable with myself, maybe I wouldn't mind fucking a biologically born male. As long as I feel 100% confident in my gender, and they are 100% respectful of it and treat me like a male-- why not?
For now, though, I think I'd feel the most comfortable with another trans guy. Like, my ideal partner would be a transmasculine guy who is more dominant than me. The term "trannyfag" is a term that suits me well. But as I've been exploring my maleness more, I've been finding myself feeling increasingly more okay with being attracted to more masculine men. I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I've found guys attractive left and right back when I was younger, before I came out as thinking I was a lesbian. But seriously, why does it have to matter what I'm attracted to, in the first place? People are people, and they are all beautiful. I've been attracted to straight girls, gay girls, straight guys, gay guys, transdudes, transladies, genderqueers and what have you all throughout my lifetime.
I think I'll close with these fabulous lyrics from the song "Fagette" by Athens Boys Choir: "L-G-B-T-Q-I L-M-N-O-P? Hell, apples and oranges- they're all fruits to me." :)
CONTRIBUTOR: Jamie King
DATE ADDED: 2010-07-20 14:20:44
COLLECTION: Personal Reflections
ITEM TYPE: Document
CITATION: Jamie King, "I am not a lesbian," in HACKGENDER, Item #48, http://hackgender.org/items/show/48 (accessed June 19, 2013).
About the Work
- Jamie King
- Creator's Site